Friday's LOL Jokes

Joke # 1

There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have
time to listen to yours.

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Joke # 2

Had it all

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all -
money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a
beautiful woman...then, poof! It was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

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Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

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Joke # 3

Tired

The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding
doctor:

"After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my
chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After
the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-
hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.
"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on
the third."

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Joke # 4

Blonde Education Department

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting
in. They were tired of other students assuming they were
just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt
they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new
Department especially for them. The university agreed,
and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their
own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They
felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students
to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all,
they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of
the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying:
"I Belong in B.E.D."

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Joke # 5

Friends

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-
state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps
him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his
intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in
the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough
for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in:
husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife
sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites
him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up,
and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound
sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me,
just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake
up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and
sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out
of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back
to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his
side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from
the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about
the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,
"I don't mind that you're fu**ing my wife, but do you
really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

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Q: Did you hear about the couple who both achieved
mutual sexual satisfaction at the very same moment?
A: They both said, "Not tonight, I have a headache."

Funny Jokes about Affairs

The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man quickly got dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon then fell asleep." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." 

The 5th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to", his wife replied. "No", he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her  best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

Butt Dust

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on
and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be
original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

            JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom
breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he
asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot
and one for cold milk?"


          MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old
she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't
remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties.
Mine say five to six."


          STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom
goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die
I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window,"

          BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and
wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the
lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to
open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little
girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


      SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when
she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this
juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough."


          D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom
scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"


         MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young
couple that were hugging and kissing in a
restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

      CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom
looking worried. When his Mom asked what was
troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in?"


    JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible
story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned
to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt Concerned,
James asked: "What happened to the flea?"


       TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when
they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom
knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

          The Sermon I think this Mom will never
forget.. this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear
Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust." He would have
continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening)! leaned over to me and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
ArizonaBut It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money) 
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good 
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" 
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free 
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn 
KansasFirst Of The Rectangle States 
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names 
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign. 
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster 
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It 
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
And Our Senators Are More Corrupt! 
Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians 
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes 
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State 
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work 
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Honest Elections! 
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest 
Nevada
Hookers and Poker! 
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone 
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here! 
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets 
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense! 
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable 
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States! 
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan 
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing 
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner 
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal 
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island 
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota 
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum. 
Texas
Se Hable Ingles 
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus 
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedy's
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? 
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor! 
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really! 
Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!  Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared 
&
 
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place

Einstein's Lesser Known Theory

Little Known Fact, just in case you missed it: 

March 14 is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He will have been 115.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts the attraction is significantly stronger if there is a DNA connection. 

  This became known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

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