The French

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin


There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and a beautiful young woman sitting in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style rain, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman has his hand against his face where he had been slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again."


Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French...
Raise both hands if you are French.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is  French, people." Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman

"The France have been on the skids ever since they got rid of Napoleon." Vinnie DiPippo

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:

"Runaway" by Del Shannon

"Walk Right in" by the Rooftop Singers

"Everybody's Somebody's Food" by Connie Francis

"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison

"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards

"Surrender" by Elvis Presley

"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons

"Live and Let Die" by Wings

"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond

"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin

"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

How man Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Parlez-vous francais???

The French's biggest blunder was getting rid of Napoleon.

The jokes have taken on a life of their own. Americans love them. For instance, Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either.

Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

And why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army

How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only war the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says.

"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response. Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? No French answer was recorded.

"You can always count on the French to be there when they need us!"