LOL ! Tons of Funny Dirty Jokes and Cartoons

By: Nicolas Laube On: 4:04 AM
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  •  Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and, 
    discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to 
    combine business with pleasure. The girl refused on the grounds that 
    her mistress was home, and she didn't want to be discovered and 
    fired. After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to 
    his shop. Next morning his phone rang and his caller was the maid. In 
    dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out and asked if 
    he wanted to come over and see her. "What!" yelled Max. "On my own 
    time?"

      
    An elderly couple is lying in bed after a party to celebrate their 
    50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are sleeping 
    over in the same house. Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, 
    honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so 
    that everyone thought you were still a virgin!" She responds, "And 
    what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that 
    everyone will think you're still able to get it up?

     

      
    Only in Movies

    1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

    2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

    3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

    4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

    5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

    6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

    8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

    9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

    10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

    11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

    12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

    13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

    14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

    15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

    16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

    17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

    18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

    19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

    20. All single women have a cat.

    21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

    22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

    23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

    24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

    25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

    26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

    27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

    28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

    29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone's Law).

    30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

    31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

    32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

    33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

    34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

    38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

    39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

    40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!). 


     
    The Lifetime Channel is working on a new
    reality series called "You're not the man I married,"
    where brides discover after a few years of marriage
    that the man they married isn't who they thought he'd be.


    There's a similar show in the works from the guys'
    perspective. It's called "Honey, have you put on a
    couple of pounds?"


      
    Personal Ads40-ish....................49
    Adventurer................Slept with all your friends
    Athletic..................No tits
    Average looking.......... Has a face like a basset hound
    Beautiful.................Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of Ecstasy
    Educated..................Banged her Political Science professor
    Emotionally Secure....... Medicated
    Feminist..................Fat ballbuster
    Free spirit...............Junkie
    Friendship first..........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
    Fun.......................Annoying
    Gentle....................Comatose
    Good Listener.............Borderline Autistic
    New-Age...................All body hair, all the time
    Old-fashioned.............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
    Open-minded...............Desperate
    Outgoing..................Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate................Sloppy drunk
    Poet......................Depressive Schizophrenic
    Professional..............Certified Bitch
    Redhead...................Bad dye-job
    Reubenesque...............Grossly Fat
    Romantic..................Looks better by candle light
    Social....................Been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
    Voluptuous................Very Fat
    Wants Soulmate............Stalker
    Widow.....................Drove first husband to shoot himself
    Young at heart............Old bat 


     Was sitting in a restaurant this weekend. They had the TV turned to ESPN which was televising a college girls' softball game.Oh it was so sad. It was so . . . "girly."I swear, I'm not making this up:* They actually HALTED the game because the pitcher broke a fingernail.* The pitcher had a wild pitch and grazed one of the batters. Did the batter come out of the batter box swinging? No. The pitcher LEFT THE MOUND, walked to the batter, and GAVE THE BATTER A HUG!* The center fielder caught the batter's ball and put her out. On a MEN'S team, the guys on the bench would have said to the batter, "Ya lozer!" and smacked him on the arse.But on this GIRLY game, everyone on the bench gave the batter "high fives" and "You go girl!" I KNOW for a fact at least one of 'em said to her, "You know that center fielder is a stinky ho and is TOTALLY a d*ke.. You did right when you snatched up her boyfriend."Ladies: if, in sports, you're not gonna strut around in little white tennis skirts so we can see your panties, we're not gonna watch you do the "Ya Ya Sisterhood" crap on the playing field. Either draw blood . . . or draw us a beer and get off the field.

      
    It was in the late 1800's and a woman was walking down the street in  
    Salt Lake City. She thinks she recognizes the man walking towards 
    her,  and stops him.


    "Are you Brigham Young?"


    "I am."


    "Are you the Brigham  Young that led the people to Utah?"


    "I am."


    "Are you the Brigham Young  that founded Salt Lake City?"


    "I am."


    Quite indignantly she asks "Are  you the Brigham Young that started 
    Polygamy for the Mormons?"


    "I am." 


    More indignantly, "Are you the Brigham Young that has 26 wives?"


    "I  am."


    "You should be hung!"


    "I am." 



     A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
    They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, got squared away, and began designing their questionnaires and such.
    While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.
    He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
    "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and ....well... it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up....!"
     

     After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
    "You'll know tonight," he said.
    That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."



     
    There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.  The minister went before his congregation to ask for a raise. 
           After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded, so would his paychecks.   However, after six children, this was getting expensive! 
          The Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.  There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
           Finally, the Preacher got up and s poke to the crowd, "My brothers in Christ, children are a gift from God," he said.  Silence fell on the assembled crowd.
           In the back pew, however, a little old lady finally stood up.  In her frail voice she said, "RAIN is a gift from God, too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
           The rest of the Congregation said, "Amen."


     A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?" 



     Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

      
    Ole is a farmer in Minnesota, he is in need of a new milk cow and hears
    about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (that would be 'North Dakota'

    for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

    He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.


    Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and

    pulls... the cow farts.
    Ole is very surprised.


    He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow

    to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
    Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current
    owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

    When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and

    says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis her new cow I yust bought.

    Pull her teat, and see vat happens."


    Sven reaches under, pul ls the teat... and the cow farts.


    Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't

    yah?

    Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.


    Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" 


    Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota


     Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?" After thinking for a while the boy answers. "Silver"
    "Well, why?"
    "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there" The boy then asks the other, "And you?"
    "Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there" After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?!?"
    The boy thought and thought and finaly, said very calmly, "Hair". Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???"
    "Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair and she ownes both of those cars!!!"




     A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture topic and on to his favorite subject; the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marijuana.
    "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?'"You bet, Son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?"



    Funny Brazilian Bed Ads

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 5:27 AM
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  • Crazy Weddings ! These Couples are Nuts !

    By: DL Publishing On: 7:35 PM
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  • This groom really had second thoughts

    This couple had the reception before the wedding


    These two had a Valentines Day Wedding and soaked in chocolate milk. 


                                              She got married in the 99 cent store


    He received a police escort to his nuptuals.