Laugh at these funny quotes

By: Nicolas Laube On: 7:08 PM
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  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 

    Marriage changes passion.
    Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
    So I said "Implants?" She hit me.


    How come we choose from just two people to run for
    president and over fifty for Miss America?


    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

    When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

    Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

    Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

    Wouldn't you know it...
    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


     Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

    Bumper sticker of the year:
    "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
       

    And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
    Ya just might want to pass this along....
     

    Computer Problems

    By: katy halsema On: 5:54 PM
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  • NYC Sidewalk Drawings

    By: katy halsema On: 7:55 PM
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  • Top Ten Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down

    By: katy halsema On: 9:47 AM
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  • Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.....
     by David Letterman
      
      10. The cucumber has left the salad.
      
       9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
      
       8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
     
        
    7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
     
        
    6. Elvis is leaving the building.
     
        
    5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
     
        
    4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
     
        
    3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
     
        
    2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
     
     
     
    And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
     
     
        
    1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. 

    Funnies

    By: katy halsema On: 6:52 PM
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  • Ann Margaret's Story- A Thank You For Our Men In Service

    By: katy halsema On: 5:59 PM
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  • Viet Nam 1966 

    Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in 
    Viet Nam other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8 x 10 black and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures.

    A few years ago, Ann Margret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured photo so he arrived at the bookstore at 
    12 o'clock for the7:30 signing.

    When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore, circled the parking lot and disappeared behind a parking garage. Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted.


    Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home. Ann Margret came out looking as beautiful as ever and, as second in line, it was soon Richard's turn.

    He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that she would not sign it. Richard said, "I understand. I just wanted her to see it."

    She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, "This is one of my gentlemen from 
    Viet Nam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.'"


    With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met over the years, how much she admired them, and how much she appreciated them There weren't too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he were the only one there.

    Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it, my big strong husband broke down in tears. "That's the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army," he said.

    That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a Vet. I'll never forget Ann Margret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband.

    I now make it a point to say "Thank you" to every person I come across who served in our Armed Forces. Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for all those who have served their country.
     

    If you'd like to pass on this story, feel free to do so. Perhaps it will help others to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution our service people make.



    A special note from the No Hag team to ALL service members: Thank you for your service and you are more appreciated than you know!!

    The French

    By: katy halsema On: 7:24 PM
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  • "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain



    "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." George S. Patton

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf






    "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson


    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France

    "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh



    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin


    There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and a beautiful young woman sitting in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style rain, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman has his hand against his face where he had been slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again."


    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.



    An old saying:
    Raise your right hand if you like the French...
    Raise both hands if you are French.




    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona




    "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is  French, people." Conan O'Brien



    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" Jay Leno



    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman


    "The France have been on the skids ever since they got rid of Napoleon." Vinnie DiPippo


    REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
    "Runaway" by Del Shannon
    "Walk Right in" by the Rooftop Singers
    "Everybody's Somebody's Food" by Connie Francis
    "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison
    "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards
    "Surrender" by Elvis Presley
    "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons
    "Live and Let Die" by Wings
    "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond
    "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers
    "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
    "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi


    How man Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him


    Parlez-vous francais???

    The French's biggest blunder was getting rid of Napoleon.

    The jokes have taken on a life of their own. Americans love them. For instance, Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either.

    Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

    And why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.

    How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried.

    What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army

    How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

    Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only war the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says.

    "The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

    That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response. Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? No French answer was recorded.

    "You can always count on the French to be there when they need us!"