Friday's LOL Jokes

By: Nicolas Laube On: 7:59 AM
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  • Joke # 1

    There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have
    time to listen to yours.

    -_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-

    Joke # 2

    Had it all

    A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all -
    money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a
    beautiful woman...then, poof! It was all gone!"

    "What happened?" asked the friend.

    "My wife found out..."

    -_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-

    Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
    A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

    -_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-

    Joke # 3

    Tired

    The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding
    doctor:

    "After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my
    chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After
    the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-
    hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

    "Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.
    "How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on
    the third."

    -_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-

    Joke # 4

    Blonde Education Department

    The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting
    in. They were tired of other students assuming they were
    just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt
    they belonged.

    So they pressured the administration to set up a new
    Department especially for them. The university agreed,
    and set up the Blonde Education Department.

    The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their
    own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They
    felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students
    to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all,
    they now had their own department at the university.

    So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of
    the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying:
    "I Belong in B.E.D."

    -_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-

    Joke # 5

    Friends

    A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-
    state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps
    him from traveling.

    Since the couple has no guest room, he states his
    intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in
    the morning.

    "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough
    for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

    The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in:
    husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
    right.

    After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife
    sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites
    him to have sex with her.

    Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

    "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up,
    and he'll kill me."

    "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound
    sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me,
    just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake
    up."

    So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and
    sure enough, she's right.

    Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out
    of his butt.

    So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back
    to her side of the bed.

    After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his
    side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

    The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from
    the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

    This keeps up for about half the night, until after about
    the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

    Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,
    "I don't mind that you're fu**ing my wife, but do you
    really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

    -_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-

    Q: Did you hear about the couple who both achieved
    mutual sexual satisfaction at the very same moment?
    A: They both said, "Not tonight, I have a headache."

    Funny Jokes about Affairs

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 4:13 AM
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  • The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man quickly got dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon then fell asleep." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
    The 2nd Affair
    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"




    The 3rd Affair
    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

    The 4th Affair
    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." 
    The 5th Affair
    Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to", his wife replied. "No", he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, herĂ‚  best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

    Butt Dust

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 6:24 AM
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  • What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on
    and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be
    original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

                JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom
    breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he
    asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot
    and one for cold milk?"


              MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old
    she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't
    remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
    remember you must look in the back of your panties.
    Mine say five to six."


              STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom
    goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die
    I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window,"

              BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and
    wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the
    lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
    explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to
    open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little
    girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


          SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when
    she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this
    juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough."


              D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom
    scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"


             MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young
    couple that were hugging and kissing in a
    restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
    asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

          CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom
    looking worried. When his Mom asked what was
    troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
    happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
    wife fit in?"


        JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible
    story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned
    to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
    wife looked back and was turned to salt Concerned,
    James asked: "What happened to the flea?"


           TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when
    they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom
    knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
    asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

              The Sermon I think this Mom will never
    forget.. this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear
    Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
    heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
    "Without you, we are but dust." He would have
    continued but at that moment my very obedient
    daughter (who was listening)! leaned over to me and
    asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
    "Mom, what is butt dust?


    KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 3:43 AM
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  • Alabama
    Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

    Alaska
    11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
    ArizonaBut It's A Dry Heat.

    Arkansas
    Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
    California
    By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
    Colorado
    If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
    Connecticut
    Like Massachusetts,
    only smaller.

    Delaware
    We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
    Florida
    Ask Us About Our Grandkids
    And Our Voting Skills.
    Georgia
    We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
    Hawaii
    Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
    (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money) 

    Idaho
    More Than Just Potatoes...
    Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good 

    Illinois
    Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" 
    Indiana
    2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free 
    Iowa
    We Do Amazing Things With Corn 
    KansasFirst Of The Rectangle States 
    Kentucky
    Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names 
    Louisiana
    We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
    But That's Our Tourism Campaign. 

    Maine
    We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster 
    Maryland
    If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It 
    Massachusetts
    Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
    And Our Senators Are More Corrupt! 
    Michigan
    First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians 
    Minnesota
    10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes 
    Mississippi
    Come And Feel Better About Your Own State 
    Missouri
    Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work 
    Montana
    Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
    and Honest Elections! 

    Nebraska
    Ask About Our State Motto Contest 
    Nevada
    Hookers and Poker! 
    New Hampshire
    Go Away And Leave Us Alone 
    New Jersey
    You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
    I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
    Right here! 

    New Mexico
    Lizards Make Excellent Pets 
    New York
    You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
    You Have The Right
    To An Attorney...

    And No Right To Self Defense! 
    North Carolina
    Tobacco Is A Vegetable 
    North Dakota
    We Really Are One Of The 50 States! 
    Ohio
    At Least We're Not Michigan 
    Oklahoma
    Like The Play, But No Singing 
    Oregon
    Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner 
    Pennsylvania
    Cook With Coal 
    Rhode Island
    We're Not REALLY An Island 
    South Carolina
    Remember The Civil War?
    Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
    South Dakota

    Closer Than North Dakota 
    Tennessee
    Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum. 
    Texas
    Se Hable Ingles 
    Utah
    Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus 
    Vermont
    Too liberal for the Kennedy's
    Virginia
    Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? 
    Washington
    Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor! 
    West Virginia
    One Big Happy Family...Really! 
    Wisconsin
    Come Cut Cheese!  Wyoming
    Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared 

    &
     
    The District of Columbia
    The Work-Free Drug Place

    Einstein's Lesser Known Theory

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 3:08 AM
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  • Little Known Fact, just in case you missed it: 

    March 14 is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He will have been 115.

    Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

    He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts the attraction is significantly stronger if there is a DNA connection. 

      This became known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

    25 Ways to tell you're grown up

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 4:41 AM
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  • Laugh at these funny quotes

    By: Nicolas Laube On: 7:08 PM
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  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 

    Marriage changes passion.
    Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
    So I said "Implants?" She hit me.


    How come we choose from just two people to run for
    president and over fifty for Miss America?


    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

    When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

    Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

    Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

    Wouldn't you know it...
    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


     Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

    Bumper sticker of the year:
    "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
       

    And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
    Ya just might want to pass this along....
     

    Computer Problems

    By: katy halsema On: 5:54 PM
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  • NYC Sidewalk Drawings

    By: katy halsema On: 7:55 PM
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  • Top Ten Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down

    By: katy halsema On: 9:47 AM
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  • Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.....
     by David Letterman
      
      10. The cucumber has left the salad.
      
       9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
      
       8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
     
        
    7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
     
        
    6. Elvis is leaving the building.
     
        
    5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
     
        
    4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
     
        
    3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
     
        
    2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
     
     
     
    And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
     
     
        
    1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. 

    Funnies

    By: katy halsema On: 6:52 PM
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  • Ann Margaret's Story- A Thank You For Our Men In Service

    By: katy halsema On: 5:59 PM
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  • Viet Nam 1966 

    Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in 
    Viet Nam other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8 x 10 black and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures.

    A few years ago, Ann Margret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured photo so he arrived at the bookstore at 
    12 o'clock for the7:30 signing.

    When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore, circled the parking lot and disappeared behind a parking garage. Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted.


    Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home. Ann Margret came out looking as beautiful as ever and, as second in line, it was soon Richard's turn.

    He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that she would not sign it. Richard said, "I understand. I just wanted her to see it."

    She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, "This is one of my gentlemen from 
    Viet Nam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.'"


    With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met over the years, how much she admired them, and how much she appreciated them There weren't too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he were the only one there.

    Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it, my big strong husband broke down in tears. "That's the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army," he said.

    That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a Vet. I'll never forget Ann Margret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband.

    I now make it a point to say "Thank you" to every person I come across who served in our Armed Forces. Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for all those who have served their country.
     

    If you'd like to pass on this story, feel free to do so. Perhaps it will help others to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution our service people make.



    A special note from the No Hag team to ALL service members: Thank you for your service and you are more appreciated than you know!!

    The French

    By: katy halsema On: 7:24 PM
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  • "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain



    "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." George S. Patton

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf






    "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson


    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France

    "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh



    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin


    There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and a beautiful young woman sitting in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style rain, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman has his hand against his face where he had been slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again."


    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.



    An old saying:
    Raise your right hand if you like the French...
    Raise both hands if you are French.




    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona




    "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is  French, people." Conan O'Brien



    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" Jay Leno



    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman


    "The France have been on the skids ever since they got rid of Napoleon." Vinnie DiPippo


    REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
    "Runaway" by Del Shannon
    "Walk Right in" by the Rooftop Singers
    "Everybody's Somebody's Food" by Connie Francis
    "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison
    "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards
    "Surrender" by Elvis Presley
    "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons
    "Live and Let Die" by Wings
    "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond
    "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers
    "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
    "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi


    How man Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him


    Parlez-vous francais???

    The French's biggest blunder was getting rid of Napoleon.

    The jokes have taken on a life of their own. Americans love them. For instance, Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either.

    Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

    And why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.

    How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried.

    What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army

    How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

    Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only war the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says.

    "The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

    That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response. Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? No French answer was recorded.

    "You can always count on the French to be there when they need us!"